why Hoosiers don't get massages

I have a terrible habit of holding the telephone between my head and shoulder while at work, because usually someone needs me to pull something up on the computer and I must have two hands free. This has resulted in reoccurring neck and shoulder pain that usually goes away in a day or two. But Monday night, after I did my workout, I realized I aggravated something and it never went away. So, given that we are going away this weekend and my wife didn't want me irritable, she said go get a massage.

In my nearly 40 years I've never had one. I left that up to the sissy's and metro-male guys. Hoosier men do not get massages......the hair on our backs and our inability to lie flat on the table due to the battle of the bulge alone should be a deterrent. However, I offer to share my experience with you so that based on my rating scale, you can decide if the massage experience is for you.

I got to my appointment 10 minutes early. Upon entry I realized the place had a relaxing metropolitan feel (+5) which I liked at first then realized this decor seemed out of place in river city (-3). The receptionist was attractive and friendly (+5) and I only waited five minutes before being taken to the consultation room (+3). I waited a long time in the consultation room (-3) before the doctor, a man I assumed would be doing the massage, (-5) walked in the room and with a double-take on my personal forms said "39? you look like you're 20" (+8).

He explained the procedure which he thought should also include acupuncture (-5) then had the receptionist explain the bill and payment method (-8). But, being in pain, I agreed and was escorted to the first room for x-rays. Then I was escorted to a large second room lined with tables for electro-stimulation-creepy-(-3), but it felt good (+5). It was a little awkward with other people going in and out and particularly with the old guy next to me talking about his hernia (-8). Then I was escorted to another room for the massage.

This is when a stocky guy named Brent took over (-8). Oh man, did it feel good (+10) but the small talk was awkward (-1).....can attractive women not exert enough force for an effective massage? Regardless, Brent asked if I wanted soothing ointment on my muscles after he was done......."sure". It felt good (+2) but I still smell like peppermint (-2).

I was taken from there to another room where the doctor man was waiting with my x-rays. He felt like there was no cause for alarm, but pain could be improved with a few sessions (+3). Then he asked if I had ever been adjusted....."no". Lie down and get ready for some pops he said (-5). But, oh my word.........(+8). When he wrapped up I asked if he was related to someone I know because he looked familiar. He was their son.........huh. That was pretty cool. (+5)

Total score: +3

You Hoosiers out there decide if it's worth it. Our pappy never got a massage when he was kicked by a horse and he lived to be 83.


Anonymous said…
are you going to start carrying a man bag and wearing make up too!! You will be officially metro-sexual! and you thought my fanny pack was gay????
hoosier reborn said…
your fanny pack is gay!

that's why your son won't let you wear it out of the house.
Anonymous said…
I thought it was only gay if you wore it on the front instead of the back?????? Can you help me?
hoosier reborn said…
so is that like, which ear you wear an earring in?

sorry, i'm not helping you out here-you wear your fanny pack wherever, whenever, so long as you're not standing with me!
Anonymous said…
I thought sure you would know! oh geez! I guesss I will just have to put the thing is our yard sale!
hoosier reborn said…
my suggestion is to drop it off in one of those Goodwill boxes, in the middle of the night, in disguise.

and when you looked across the street-you thought my car was parked at the cigar store, didn't you?
PNW Hoosier said…

I shared your massage post with the wife. She told me to inform you that if you wanted an attractive female masseuse, you need to go to a spa or one of those seedy places you see near truck stops along I-90.....
hoosier reborn said…
Oh, I would just asoon pass on the I-90 special, thank you.

I have another appointment at 3 today.......can't wait. oh boy.

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