04 September 2008

if I could be that guy

If I could be that guy in the big blueberry suit, I would strut myself into the festival mob, whistling some kind of crazed tune-jerk the cigarettes out of people's hands by the covered bridge and stomp on them with my giant foot. If I could be that guy I'd push my way to the front of the line on every ride, and at every food booth, particularly the blueberry ice cream booth-to wit I would say "don't you know who I am? why, I'm the mascot of the insanity"

If I could be that guy in the big blueberry suit, I would wreck havoc by bumping into marathon runners I did not like with my big stuffed body and then in fanciful mascot manner, throw my over sized hand over my mouth as if to say....."did I do that?"

If I could be that guy, I would carry a buzzer in the palm of my hand that would give a slight shock to people I'd greet. And put a giant plastic bag full of blueberry jelly between my thighs so that I could squeeze them together and squirt blueberry out my backside when I got excited.

If only they would let me be that guy in the blueberry suit......I would prance around during the parade pants dropping politicians, kicking their hynies if I didn't like them and picking fights with teenagers who taunted me along the way.

Ah, if only they would let me be that guy I'd go into Papa John's and demand free pizza, then to a city council meeting and demand to be treated equally-that all doorways and toilets accommodate my plumpness. And if they refused I'd pile drive the mayor until he relented and said "blueberry king, you rule!"

Alas, I don't think they'll ever let me be that guy. Happy Blueberry.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You my friend need a punching bag!!! However I would like to deal with some of the things you mentioned, Smokers at a Smoke Free event,Rude pre-teens and teens that move in herds like wildebeast and have the mouths of sailors! Also just once I would appreciate it the Blueberry Festival would publically announce the amount of money it raises and where the money goes!!!