7 years sober...from politics!

It is all-too convenient to have a personal day of remembrance land on a national day of remembrance.  It......well.......reminds me to remember I guess.  Each Veterans Day rolls around and it takes me back to a long day of prayer after a week of fasting...and a pretty significant decision in my life.

I was having dinner with a friend Sunday night and recounting this story nearly took me off-guard in the realization that, yes, tomorrow is November 11th, the 7th anniversary of being sober from politics as it were.  Here is a blog post from the first anniversary in 2007 and a second post written in 2008 that described what led to the decision.

http://hoosierhappenings.blogspot.com/2007/11/spiritual-anniversary.html

http://hoosierhappenings.blogspot.com/2008/05/david-tree.html

Hell fire or blessings?

I've been reading through the Psalms, I confess not as regularly as I should, but yesterday morning as I was reading Psalm 28 and looking at notes I had written from a previous read-thru verse 4 struck me and I noted that I had written "it's ok to pray this!" next to it. David wrote:

"Give them according to their evil deeds, and according to the wickedness of their endeavors; give them according to the work of their hands; render to them what they deserve."

What they deserve? Ouch! I wonder if David wrote this before or after he slept with Bathsheba and had Uriah killed? And I'm not sure how this jives with Christ's words of praying for your enemies and those "who despitefully use you".

There have been times in my life when I wonder why God doesn't punish those who are just plain bad seeds, particularly those who put on the Christian name but are not discernible from the bad company they keep. And maybe especially those whose wrong-doings have affected me, my wife or my family. Many times I wanted to pray what David prayed "give them what they deserve!"

But I don't. Never have. Sure, there have been a very few times when I see consequences from wrong-doings, but I try not to find any comfort in that. I think this is why......I know what I deserve. In many ways I'm not any better. The difference is I KNOW better.

So do we pray hell fire or blessings on our enemies? I've written plenty on this blog about trying to be like David. I wonder though, on this issue, if David had it wrong. I guess when in doubt, and always, be like Christ.

this Thanksgiving, again.

I found this among my electronic documents, penned the day before Thanksgiving, 2006.

This Thanksgiving............

Will be different.
With a fully thankful heart, I will express gratitude to my God, who in His mercy has brought me back to solid ground. In His quiet and perfect way has raised a mirror before me, exposing a man I despised-a man I had become.

To now be fully broken, laying out my faults before my brothers and allowing God to mold me into the man He intended. This is what I am most thankful for this year.

And to begin again-in loving my neighbor, in embracing life and in speaking truth.
Truly this is a new day.

Yes,
This Thanksgiving will be very different.

It seems that this Thanksgiving will be very different for me again. I can't believe how far God has taken us on this wild ride called life.

Happy Thanksgiving. Live your life in gratitude by giving of yourself to all those around you. This is the model of Christ, it is what God requires.

Irony: life from death

I figured I needed to get my blog on....it's been almost a week, but I've been pretty busy. Or maybe just distracted: I celebrated another anniversary this week...one of life from death, all a beautiful story of irony. More of the "David Story" I'm afraid. I had coffee with, well, sort of a new friend today. We go to church together, our kids play together, and we've talked about grabbing coffee for sometime, so last night at our kid's Thanksgiving program, we scheduled it. And when I made the comment "I don't know how much you know about the last 2 years" I realized, it really is a beautiful story.

July, 2005: meet with the top GOP power houses....I become the unofficial party candidate for mayor of river city in 2007

July, 2006: they ask this question, "what would you do with the current city economic development director?" I say, your idea about a county ED guy doing all the work doesn't make sense for river city. I'd replace him, but make it a full time position with plan director." It becomes part of my platform.

September, 2006: it is suggested by the party chair that if I want the full support of the GOP, I should consider leaving my employer because he's a detriment. In wide-eyed amazement I say, I can't do that, sure I'm not always happy, but that's just wrong to do.

October, 2006: the power houses switch their support, pulling a guy from my team to run against me.

November, 11, 2006: after battling it out with God, I realize what a mess of my witness I had made and discover the "David Tree"

November 24, 2006: I back out of the run

May, 2007: I'm pushed out of politics when I lose my council seat in a GOP primary. I'm told it's because of my employer having too much influence with the then mayor.

November, 2007: the guy who replaced me at the top of the ticket wins mayor by less than honest means, the most illegitimate victory in river city history.

December 2, 2007: my employer begins angling for power within the new administration, by invitation of the GOP power houses. I find out he is being considered for building commissioner and that our office would close.

Jan. 1, 2008: the family waits on pins and needles for the announcement and find out that they didn't choose my employer. I felt safe for 2008.

May, 2008: I find out that my employer is being courted to be the plan director/economic development director for river city (remember where that idea came from?) This time I knew I had to make plans to leave.....the situation was maddening.

July 12, 2008: one last piece of information sent me over the top. I gave my notice 3 days later.

I found it ironic that I was facing losing my job due to the fact that I was loyal enough to not leave my employer, even though the GOP said he was a liability, which ultimately forced me out of running for mayor....and that those guys were the ones asking him to now join their new mayoral team. A few weeks after I left the office I heard that the mayor said the rumors about (my former employer) taking the job were not true. Well, that's not what his city attorney and puppet master were saying-this I know for sure. My guess is that as word got out (maybe leaked intentionally) and a lot of bad feedback surfaced....they decided it wasn't such a good idea after all.

BUT! But....while I absolutely detest what happened and find it all part of a rampant loss of integrity-the result of kinda pathetic power-hungry individuals (geesh, this is river city we're talking about here, not Chicago), there is absolute beauty in that I LEFT MY JOB and I am doing so well. It is exactly what God wanted for me all along. Once I took my last stand against dirty politics and all went south is when the light shone the brightest and God led me into greener pasture.....out of a desert.

So-November 11th rolled around this year and I pulled out my sketch book where I drew the "David Tree" and thought, wow, how blessed I am. Blessed to have been brought to the cross-to be sweetly broken, forever changed. Click on David below if this is all new to you.

BREAKING FREE

We are free in ways we never should be, sweet release from the grip of these chains

Here we go.....

My last day on the job is Friday, August 1. After 12 years, and the only post-college job I've known (as in started the day after graduation), and the absolute source of my identity in river city, God made it really clear to me.....it's His timing to move on. The obvious question is "move on to what?"

And that's the beauty of it. I don't have the slightest idea. But I couldn't be more confident in the decision. It is a leap of faith, no doubt. Side note: wife is firmly behind this.

We're staying in river city....we see too much potential in areas I believe He is calling us to. I may strike out on my own; it is clear to see God's providing already for this at least in an interim basis. Long term? Well, we'll just follow His lead.

About a year ago I was reading a book entitled "Discover your Destiny" in which the author portrays a mighty elephant tied to a stake to train it into submission. After some time the trainer removes the stake, however, the elephant, still thinking it is chained, remains captive. The author asks......"what are the imaginary stakes in your life?" My immediate response was "my job". Then I thought, no, that's too obvious. But, it is obvious.

There has been much thought spent on this. It began about 2 years ago and has an amusing thread of irony woven into the story-maybe I'll share in the future. I know this: if I do not activate my own pursuits now, then when? It is a strange feeling indeed, both for the remaining days and for what lies ahead come Monday morning. It is as much about spiritual freedom as it is in pursuing the desires God has formed in my heart.

God has been at work on this piece of clay over the last two years. The foggy lake was like a death....a death of my own reason, a death of who I thought God was supposed to be. He's opened my eyes to so much around me, transforming my mind and soul; I recognize now it isn't at all about seeing to the other side!

Another blogger often affectionately calls God "ridiculous" because He is so much bigger and knowing than we allow Him to be in our lives, that when He does move........we're left dumbfounded. I think God's been looking down with a big 'ol smile on His face.........saying, yeah, ok buddy, you think putting on 22 lbs of muscle is an accomplishment.........WATCH THIS!

All that is within me cries, for you alone be glorified....Emmanuel, God with us. My heart sings a brand new song, the debt is paid, these chains are gone....Emmanuel, God with us.

prelude to the major announcement

Going through some files, I came across some words I penned in November, 2006, when I had found myself at about the lowest point in my life....full of doubt and unable to reason confidently to make clear decisions.

As I read through them today.....I thought they would make a beautiful prelude for a significant announcement I plan to make next week........and some of you who read my wife's blog already know what's coming. We're off to Holiday World for the next several days; be back on Wednesday with the announcement! All I know is.....God is faithful.

State of Haze

I was at a meeting this afternoon, in Culver. It was damp & cool-typical for November. I wanted a warm-up and stopped by the coffee shop across from the town park on the lake. I took my coffee across the street and wandered down to the lake shore. The mist clouded my glasses so I removed them. Of course, no one else was to be found in the park-completely alone.

The fog was intense enough over the face of the lake to prevent a view to the other side. In fact, the cloud appeared to join as one with the lake with little or no distinguishable line. It appeared as if the flock of ducks bobbing in the water were hanging in mid-air. You could see to the left and right side of the lake, but they quickly evaporated further down the shore.

I could not see the other side. I knew it was there. I knew that what appeared to be an abyss really had definition. More than a veil covering the far shore, this was bleak, heavy in the face and all consuming. All encompassing, enclosing.

Why has this decision, once so obvious, been clouded with what is an indiscernible "other side". Is it really a step of faith or is God choosing to remain silent? Is the answer yes and yes? Yes- He will walk with me, in either decision made. Or is it that my eyes only see the abyss? Is it of my own making-did I place the cloud there? Am I listening to my heart or mind? Is this my answer to what I prayed for when I asked God to make it obvious to step aside before it was too late? How can this be an answer?

I am walking in an all encompassing, all-consuming haze. I cannot see the other side, only hear doubts of its existence. And when assurances come by those I am close to-I direct them again to the abyss. It's easy to call it stepping out in faith when you're not the one responsible for making it to the other side. Was it like this when Peter stepped out of the boat?

God-you're going to have to make the answer incredibly obvious to me. If You can't speak to me because I have been so overtaken by the cloud, speak through my friends and give me the courage to trust You in them.

the David tree

With all this talk of politics, Kendra's comments, switching parties and future runs for office, and some other big thoughts going through my head I've gotten somewhat retrospective......or melancholy......and maybe it is just the weather.

In general terms I have referenced a turning point in my life at the end of 2006 and how it involved politics and faith. I'm going to put myself out there in this so that folks fresh to the site, maybe even Kendra, can better understand my thoughts on politics.

For about 18 months I planned a campaign to run for mayor of river city. At the time I was a sitting R councilman who admittedly did not toe the party line because of deep personal convictions. I am as conservative if not more conservative than any other R party holder locally, and certainly so in terms of social norms (ie: the purpose christians call themselves R's). I did everything right in creating a campaign-talked to the right people, lined up party support, assuage fears, putting together a team, etc.. But the big guys knew I wasn't going to be a yes man, so, regardless of my republican"ness"......they pulled the rug out from under me a month before I planned to announce and got a member of my team to run. I was furious-and it showed.

I fasted and prayed like never before, but I was just numb and angry at God for putting a desire in my heart I thought was a "calling" and then had unethical men sabotage it. Why would God let that happen? The answer came in a book called "Tale of Three Kings" in which I saw a humble and broken David, while a calling on his life to be king, allowed God to work it in His time.

I've touched on this before, but I've never mentioned "the David tree". I don't believe in searching for signs, I really don't. I believe God gives us wisdom to make decisions. But, in the midst of reading this book and fasting and trying to make a decision on whether or not to still run knowing what kind of campaign would be had, I found myself on my folks' property in the "circle of trees" as we called it.........searching for God. After about an hour on a cold November Saturday, the 11th, as I sat on a stump and listened to the wind blow through the reed grass and watching it bob up and down.......something caught my attention.

At the east side of the circle I noticed a strange formation in a tree. Keep in mind, in nearly 35 years of playing and camping in this small wooded circle, I had never noticed this. I walked over to it and realized two large branches on this oak grew together. I only thought it strange I hadn't noticed it before. I went back and spent another hour thinking and praying. As I left the circle, the path took me passed the tree again and this time I looked up and saw the sun shining directly through the form created by the branches. It formed a perfect D.

And that got me thinking.....hmmmmmm......"Do run"? "Don't run"? I was amusing myself with the D possibilities when I finally landed on "Democrat"? God, you want me to run as a Democrat? I highly doubted that at the time. I got back to my folks and was pouring a cup of coffee when it struck me......"David".......God, you want me to be like David. And so I decided not to run for mayor-because what I had become politically could not bring honor to God.

And once I made that decision, my eyes began to open to the world of politics around me. There are unethical men who run our local R party. Winning elections for them has nothing to do with being conservative, being moral or having integrity. I'm not saying it is any better on the other side, but since I call myself Republican-it is my own party I have to resolve myself to. I'm not even suggesting that they should have the ethics I adhere to, for them it is politics and "all is fair in love and war". I can't operate like that.

This is what I believe. I don't care if you call yourself an R or a D. But, if you call yourself a Christian, you had better have a good grasp of who you are voting for and why. In the YEARS I listened to Rush Limbaugh, I cannot think of anytime in his dialogue I ever, EVER, saw the person of Christ being modeled. I'm not saying he should-but don't confuse a calling to live for Christ with a responsibility to vote republican. I could write a book on this, and this is already too long, but, I tell you from personal experience to live for Christ, if that is your goal, is to embrace the teachings of Christ which you will find contradict planks in both parties.

So, a future run or switching parties.....I don't know what awaits. My deepest desire, even after losing my primary to stay on council, has been to help people. I believe my gifts and abilities lend themselves to do that in the public arena.....but, I have to do that in loving my neighbor first and foremost.

the Clearing

Remember that sweet little cabin on the fishing lake I wrote about not that long ago? I'd been inspired to take a "personal spiritual retreat" a few months ago and did so over the weekend. Just some down time to clear the head and think about the road ahead.

So, I got a cabin at Whitewater Memorial State Park by Richmond. I don't believe anyone else was there this past weekend. It was perfect......secluded, quiet and was a beautiful setting-just at the top of a wooded bluff overlooking the lake. I took a buddy with me, who also needed some time to put things in perspective, and the camaraderie was needed to break up the perfect silence after 30 hours or so.

To say I had an eventful last 12-18 months is an understatement. I've never done this retreat thing before, so I figured why not-there's a lot to think about. Being the type of guy I am-I was well prepared. I had been focusing on thought-provoking questions over the last several weeks and had planned out a schedule and some expectations. I had a few pertinent questions I had thought would have answers "revealed" to me for some decisions that will need to be made for the future.

But, by the end of the weekend........I really didn't have any revelation to clear the path for the future ahead. Instead, I realized that for once in my life.........I'm talking about the very first time in my life since college..........God led me into a clearing. I know the path continues on and He and I will be deep in the woods again soon, but for right now I think He's saying just stop and enjoy the view. It's a heck of a gift to be given and I'd be a dang fool to pass this up. I think there's a passage somewhere about not being anxious for tomorrow...it will take care of itself.

So.....friends and family out there.......you guys are on my "to do list" this year. My tag line for the year ahead, "Breathe Deep - 2008".

spiritual anniversary

It was exactly a year ago that God did something huge in my life-that set into motion probably the best year of my life. I thought I would be pretty transparent here and share something I penned last year.

The Decision - November, 2006

I'm finding that it is less about a decision whether or not to run for mayor, but rather a decision of how Christ is to be reflected in me. What I believe God is leading me to is broken-ness. The arrogance of my heart and what are my perceived "rights" to this calling are having an impact on my judgement and my ability to remain humble. I don't want to be like Saul-and I have been, for some months now.

I want to make an impact on people's lives-truly more than anything, but I must confess, that has recently become an agenda for me out of a desire to ascend, and not out of love as we are called. God forgive me. I do believe there is a calling on my life to serve in the public arena-I have no doubt of this. I am doubting my ability to reflect Christ in this, which has led me to some agonizing self-examination. I believe with God's help, I will learn to better reflect Christ. Would I be walking away from a calling? Yes and no-maybe for this period of time, but the calling will always be there, and should it be my life's ambition to see God glorified-I know He would not be by this vessel today. I've been throwing too many spears.

This is crushing to me personally and I have argued with God-but found that I was only asserting my rights to the throne as it were and not His nature. But what an exciting opportunity and revelation to build from-making me stronger in Him and more able to live out His calling on my life today and into the future. So long as I am held to this change of direction.

At this point, I am more certain than ever I could win the primary and likely the general election. It is difficult because so many are telling me to still run, which plays to my emotion and in agreement I think, yeah, I'll show them. But.....it has become so much less desirable because I don't like what I have become-and who that mayor would be.

Amazing as I reflect over the last year and what has happened recently with our elections, how I've grown due to the situation written about above. I did an entry a while back called "trying to be David". I'm still trying to be a guy after God's own heart, like David-and I'm a lot closer today-I think I might even be ready to slay some giants.

Thank God, I am a much different guy than I was a year ago. God is alive and working in men's hearts, today, right here, even in the Hoosier state.

Trying to be David

We are all familiar with the valiantry of David in the Bible. Taking on Goliath and ripping apart a lion with his bare hands. But what of the David that ran from Saul and hid in the caves? What about the guy who knew he was to be king but wouldn't take on King Saul-an evil king.

I read a book some time ago called a Tale of Three Kings. It spoke to a circumstance I found myself in last fall-and spoke pretty loudly. I believe there are times when we are called to be valiant, fight the good fight so to speak. But we are always called to be humble-and David, while there was a calling on his life to be king, understood this. He hid in the caves. He did not take the spears thrown at him by Saul and return volley (he wouldn't have missed, I'm sure).

David remained in the caves, a broken man, despite what (or maybe to what) God called him to. In that, he became "a man after God's own heart". We often get ahead of God in our zeal-and demand our rights. But that is contrary to God's nature. Christ didn't do this. Being reminded of this by some good friends, I've made a decision to spend some time hanging out in caves for a while-after throwing a lot of spears. And praying that at some point I can be a guy after God's heart. That would be awesome-even better than being king.